Netminders: The Future of Your Past

I know they say to live without regrets, but...

You know, I often think about how permanent the internet is. Every status, every picture, every tweet and retweet, every single 1 and 0 that you've ever put on any of the internets are likely accessible now and forever by anybody who really knows how to use a computer (not that I'm one of those people). Once it's out there, it's out there...and that's something that crosses the brim of my hat a lot.

Of course, you know that other people don't think about that as much. I don't have to hyperlink any of my posts for you to know what I'm talking about, but I will anyway. I mean, you see it every day. People posting intimate details of their relationship, family, and sex lives, often with the pictures to match. You don't always consider the rest of your life when your plans don't go beyond what you posted as you were leaving work Friday, but if you're lucky, it'll happen anyway.

"FfYL Quickies"- Part II, Chapter 7: (f.u.c.k.)- Being in an Actual Relationship

Hey umf'ers! It's Wednesday again, and that means it's about time for another piece of my mind in the form of an excerpt from my first book, "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". Today's lesson in life-hacking comes from part II, "For the People You Care About", and goes by the title (fresh.uncensored.critical.knowledge.)- Being in an Actual Relationship.

For whatever reason, people continue to insist that monagamous relationships are viable in this day and age. I'm one of those people, but most of the available evidence points to me being wrong. Regardless, I'm pretty sure I'm in one right now (and if I'm not, there's a girl somewhere that would be surprised to find that out). It's pretty hard to make it work sometimes, but I find it a little easier when I take my own advice, some of which appears below...enjoy.

Chapter 7: (f.u.c.k.)- Being in an Actual Relationship

The Public Eye

Most people are more shallow than they'd like to admit. Of course, we're all taught to say that looks don't matter and other bullshit that makes no sense based on the fact we have a whole sense dedicated to how things appear, and that keeps things cordial most of the time. However, once in a while we get a big collective reminder that what you look like is the first thing people see about you, and that's where we find the story of one Gabby Douglas.

In case you don't know the story by now, Gabby is an Olympic gymnast who recently became the first African-American to win a singles gold medal. Being the answer so a future Jeopardy question is definitely something to be proud of, and you probably won't find anyone who respects what the most important color in this story, Olympic gold, means more than me. It's an indelible reminder that at one point, you were officially the best in the world at something. (It's one of the dreams I had as a kid that will never come true, seeing as I'm just not willing to get up at 5AM and row a boat down a freezing river, run 20 miles, or drink a bunch of raw eggs. Much respect to those that are, though.)

Monogamy: The Lost Art

I talk a lot about social networking...some of it good, some of it, not so much. Nevertheless, one thing that is indisputable is the unique opportunity it presents to share a general consciousness, to put your finger on the pulse of the people around you and kinda get a feel for the modern heartbeat in a way that I'm not sure was always possible. It's as weird and too-damn-intimate as it sounds sometimes, but it can occasionally give you cause for cerebration and insight into the human condition.

For example, I was on Facebook the other day, scrolling down my news feed, perusing the bizarre bazaar of posts, pictures and puerile pathos that it usually is when I spied a status that made me question some of my perspectives. I don't remember the exact wording, but it contended that monogamy was an outdated concept in today's age...in fact, on its way to extinction and irrelevance.

"FfYL" Quickies- Part I, Chapter 8: (f.u.c.k.)- Getting a New Job

Hey umf'ers...it's another Wednesday, and that means it's about time to take another look inside my first book, "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". Today's college level can't-misseducation comes from Part I "For Your Job", and is called (fresh.uncensored.critical.knowledge)- Getting a New Job. See, back in the days where I assume everything was black and white, you graduated high school, got a job, worked there for 40 years, retired with a nice gold watch, and died. That just was the way life went.

Nowadays, we have more occupational options than ever, and there may come a time where you're sick of greeting people at Wal-Mart and want to use those 40 hours a week to do something of actual importance to you. It doesn't even have to be a big shift in consciousness like that...you could just hate your hours, the color of your uniform shirt, or the sight of your co-workers' faces. In any event, it may be time for you to move on...and here's everything you should consider before you do. Without any further introbation, here's today's preview:

Chapter 8: (f.u.c.k.)- Getting a New Job

Wow...sick of your job, eh? Has it been 2 and a half months already? I can understand how filing files/folding shirts/taking fry orders could get older than Dick Clark in that span of time for a person with any talents or aspirations whatsoever. Trust me, I've seen it first, second, and third hand. You want to improve your life station a bit, I'd imagine. Fine...well, it looks like it's time for us to have a talk about getting the hell out of your job. Let's start by asking a few questions.

-Who? You, of course...or a more experienced version of you. Of course, the prime objective in the holding of any employment is to make money...but you have made the realization that the money that your current job pays you, which was perfectly fine for as long as you worked there, is not worth dealing with the other facets of your job any more. However, what you may not realize is that you have changed as a person, and you've done it by learning on the job.

No matter what job you have, it can teach you something. I spent about 6 months working for UPS one time. I had to wake up at 10pm, take an hour ride, do 3 hours of manual labor, then return to my home usually somewhere around 3. You may not think of those as learning conditions, but it did teach me that I could never make a career out of working for UPS. Therefore, you must determine who this person you've become is, and what direction he wants to go in.

-What? What is the reason you want to leave? Is it the pay? The people? The hours? The type of work? Just don't like working? All of the above? Answering this question for yourself could keep you from walking into a similar situation and wasting another huge fucking chunk of your life repeating this process.

-When? When do you want to leave? Within a certain length of time? When you find a better job? ASAP? How long can you stand to drag yourself through those doors before wanting to close your neck in them? Knowing the exact answer to this question can help you coordinate an exit strategy that won't have your jobless ass selling newspapers in city traffic for months at a time because you up and left your job on a whim.

-Where? Where to now? Are you going to school? Are you going the art route? Stripping? How about starting your own business? Do you just want ANY other job, as long as you don’t have to walk through the doors of your current plantation one more fucking day? Are you just going to say “fuck it” and live off the land and kindness of your fellow man?

If you don't know the answer to this question, you might as well just keep your job. As a best-case scenario, you'll likely end up in the same situation wearing a different color uniform shirt again and again and again...and that's assuming those companies are hiring. They say in relationships, sometimes it's "cheaper to keep her". It's something like that in the work force...you'll be very annoyed if you can't get employed, especially if you're looking for the same damn job you just quit.

...and that's where we're gonna have to stop today. Since this is pretty much my job now, I have to make sure people buy the whole book to read whole chapters. It's only $10 (+shipping), so you won't exactly have to get a second job to afford it. Hope you enjoyed today's free preview of "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life"...if you liked it, check out the rest of the "FfYL Quickies" collection, which are available for the same low price of free.99. Until next time, f.u.c.k. yourselves!