"FfYL" Quickies: Part III, Chapter 5: (f.u.c.k.)- The Stalkers’ Edge

What's going on umf'ers? Been kinda busy this week, but I didn't forget this week's look at my first book "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". The content is pretty much exactly what it says on the label if you look closely enough, but I'm such a nice guy that I'm giving out peeks inside (almost) every week.

Today's free sample is from part III, "For Your Social Networking", and is called (fresh.uncensored.critical.knowledge.)- The Stalkers' Edge. It's one of the more controversial things I've ever written (yeah, I know, right?!) and that's because it pretty much is a step-by-step guide to stalking someone effectively using modern techniques...with the help of your target! No, but seriously. That's what it is.

In fact, the only reason I probably haven't been arrested as an accesory to some harassment case somewhere is that it also works as a 101 in not making a new close personal friend that you have no idea about. It all depends on what you want out of it...I try to have something for everybody. Anyway, here it is...(part of) Chapter 5, section III, (f.u.c.k.)- The Stalkers' Edge.

Chapter 5: (f.u.c.k.)- The Stalkers’ Edge

The social media tools that are available to regular tools everywhere have opened the door to possibilities few could imagine only a generation ago. We reap the benefits of being more connected more often than at any other point in human history every day.

More connections mean more shared information, and more shared information leads to the ability for more people to accurately process the information, find trends and tendencies in it, and figure out how to use it in future applications. This data, once shared, is at their disposal for whatever purpose imaginable. True, that sounds a lot like an IBM commercial, but it is also a very good description of a stalker’s fantasy.

You see, social networking can be a stalker's wet, sticky dream. 20 years ago, most stalkers and other varieties of creepfreak had to act like a normal people in person for long enough to gain enough of someone's confidence for them to reveal personal details of their life, such as where they lived, where they went to school, did for fun, what they wore to bed, and what they were wearing under that.

Now, a stalker can gleefully flit from friendsite to friendsite, collecting information about all his favorite future targets at his leisure (If I didn't know better--and I don't--I would think the whole thing was set up by the secret Stalkers' Guild so that they would become privy to information that would otherwise be on a need-to-know basis.) ...and you can too!

I originally debated putting this chapter in here, because I don't personally endorse stalking, tailing, bird-dogging, hawking, tracking, shadowing...hell, I even find following somewhat distasteful (which is why by the time you read this, my Twitter account will likely be deleted).

However, I realize that it takes all kinds to sell a book, and if the sick fucks in the room want their debit’s worth as well, it's my duty to give it to them. In that spirit, I present a guide to stalking someone online...and it's easier than you think! Just follow a few simple steps, and you'll be following people when your computer's not even on before you know it. Of course, if you want to double-reverse engineer this into a guide to not being stalked, be my guest.



-Follow them on Twitter. Most members of social networks enjoy documenting the experience of being them, but Twits are known more than most for this. The commemoration of every step with a tweet is a timeline-honored tradition that extends back hundreds of weeks.

Accordingly, you can learn a whole bunch about people's day to day activities and thoughts by doing this. The best part is that one directional following works just fine, therefore making it possible to form a pretty complete picture of a person's life without them knowing anything about you that doesn't fit in a 100x100 pixel square. Tell me that's not everything you ever wanted, with your freak ass.

-Make use of that new Facebook format. Facebook, in it's infinite wisdom, has made it possible for you to be more involved while being less involved than ever before.

Where once a stalker had to endure minutes upon minutes of clicks to look at everything their target ever said, he can now look up into the top right of his homescreen, where a continuously scrolling express news feed now makes you aware of any activities, such as comments, likes, and new photo posts, that anyone you are friends with or that your friends are friends with participate in.

This means if you're willing to sit at your computer long enough, you'll be able to know the exact time the unrequited love of your life is discussing anything, even with a 3rd party. That ought to make your year, freakazoid.

...that's all I can give you for free today. Hopefully you enjoyed today's admission-free look at what is, in my unbiased opinion, the best book I've ever written that's currently available to the public: "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life"...and maybe even learned something...or even better, learned how to learn something for yourself. However I can help (and make a few bucks in the process). Aight, until next time, scouts!