DaddyPak

Changing gloves: Stylish and functional.

When a baby is born, it usually goes home with a number of standard hospital-issue items given to mommy to make her job a little easier. They include such things as a couple of bottles, swaddling cloths, assorted baby pamphlets, and maybe a little hat to help mold baby's head into a human shape. Daddy, on the other hand, doesn't usually get too many lovely parting gifts, and I don't think that's fair, given that he's expected to do just as much (well, a comparable amount.)

For obvious reasons, I don't think that's fair. I think there are a few supplies that should also come standard for the other half of a parental unit, and after a few months of firsthand research, I've identified them in an effort to make known the need for them in the life of a rookie dad. They can keep most of that shit they give her, like the baby books (especially since the male answer for most baby questions is "oh, it's probably fine") ...but maybe one day, we'll get a parent-specific bag of party favors too. All right, here goes:

Disaster cloth- Sure, they give you those puny burping napkins that are apparently designed to be thrown up on twice a day when you take baby home. Of course, since your average baby somehow throws up more than it eats, what they give you to keep that off of yourself is totally inadequate.

A disaster cloth is that bitch-ass handkerchief's big brother, covering half of your body from shoulder to hip so baby can be burped without fear of having baby smile the half a bottle of milk you spent an hour feeding it down the collar of your shirt or the crack of your ass. It's the closest thing we have to a hazmaternity suit.

Silencer- Many people call this a "pacifier", but as there is rarely anything pacific about a baby for long, I prefer to call it what it is. The sweet relief that comes when you can finally get the thing installed on a screaming baby may be second only to what created it.

Diaper gloves- Changing a diaper is, by necessity, a messy affair. While some people are only too happy to wantonly play around in stuff that came out of the bottom of the tiny person in their charge, others are less than enthused about the whole thing. These washable gloves intended specifically for changing both increase your grip on a struggling infant and allow one to fearlessly do deep, vigorous cleaning in vital areas.

Sure, you could just swipe a box of disposable doctor gloves when you're waiting around to be seen for hours at some baby appointment or other...but not everyone is about that life like me. For the benefit of those who don't really like getting their hands dirty in either way, these should be included in DaddyPaks.

Aspirin- Waah. Waah-wa-waaaaaaaaaah! A-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh. WAAAAH! (Are you hungry? ...no.) AAAAAAH! HAH-HAH-HAH....UUUUUU...WAAAAAAH! (You're not wet, I just changed you...) WAAAAEEAAAEEAAAAAAH! (You just woke up in my arms after going to sleep there 20 minutes ago, you're not sleepy.) AH-AH-AAAAHHHHUUUAAAAHH-HAH-HAH!!! (ugh...fucking hell...) *baby fakes a smile* eh? ooooh? (Hmm...okay, that's better.) *baby's face recrumples* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (*daddy's brain leaks from ears and nose*)

If you're at all familiar with what I'm talking about, you know why plenty of this should come home with every new daddy, if not a year's supply of the all-natural supplements I take to maintain my calm, sense of humor and overall sanity.

Baby Buzzer- Okay, so this doesn't really exist yet...but I could write an entire post about why it should. You know how cell phones can be set to vibrate instead of ring if you really don't want to hear all that noise but still would like to know if something needs your attention? That, except with babies.

With its seperate vibration patterns, you could know when the baby needs to be fed, changed, burped, held, or played with as soon as it goes off...and more importantly, know when it's not really important and can be ignored. Can you imagine how much better it would be to be able to ignore spam calls in all phases of life? I can...some science-type guy should get on that and call me when he's done to discuss our profit sharing.

I don't know about you, but I really think those items being handed out standard would make things go just a bit easier for a first-time father. Of course, I have most of these items now, but it would have been a nice gesture from the hospital to send me home fully prepared for what I was about to do...equipment-wise, anyway.