Lyin' Lady Lumps: A letter to the otherside

Dear womenfolk,

I want y'all to know that I, as a 22...uh, 23 year old fully heterosexual male, that I love the female body. Love it. The softly molded curves and scallops of females have been discussed and celebrated by pretty much everybody with a dick and the ability to read and write, and I don't really have (or care to come up with) any new flowery euphemisms for titties and such, so I'll keep the horny ass prose to a minimum. In short, in its best forms, it's a perfectly balanced and almost infeffably (almost...I can eff 'em just fine if they like :p ) beautiful work of art that has never since been equaled by man.

Of course, in its common form, it's somewhat less...ideal...but plenty appreciated nonetheless in most cases. However, I just have to say something that's been bothering me for the longest, and I feel there is no better day than April Fool's to bring this up: ladies, the lies have got to stop and they've got to stop soon. You know the ones I'm talking about...the ones you can wear. Wonderbras that give a woman with the body of a 7th grade boy cleavage up to her neck, panties with pads in the butt to turn a longback into a fullback, space-age spandex polymer bodysuits that can turn 250 amorphous pounds into something that looks like a Playboy centerfold (with their clothes on) in under 30 seconds...it's all just a bunch of false advertisement. Blatant, irresoponsible deceit on the level of a bad used car salesman. It's tantamount to fraud...we think we're getting juicy melons, but really we're just getting sold lemons. Why is that okay?

I know, I know..."Well maybe if men weren't so shallow, we wouldn't have to do things like that". Uh-huh...save the sob story, sister. If anything, you're an enabler for feeding into the madness. I'm just so sure you're attracting the right kind of attention by artificially playing up physical attributes you don't actually have too...doesn't really matter if we're shallow or deep since all those airbags function as a flotation device anyway. I mean, honestly think about it. I get that people want to feel confident and sexy and blah blah blah...I so understand it. Here's the thing though...tough shit. We don't always get what we want, otherwise I'd be able to fly and walk through walls and all that. Some women have model bodies and some...have...bodies. That's life. If you ain't got it, you ain't got it...and lying about it won't change a damn thing.

Still not convinced? Fine, let's flip the script. Ladies, you're at the gym. You see some glistening, tattooed and muscular man doing whatever workout that gives you the best ogling angles. Wow, he must have been working on that body a long time...that kind of dedication is pretty sexy, and the fact that he's sculpted like a Greek god doesn't hurt either, right? Just as he finishes his set, throws his towel over his shoulder, and walks toward the locker room to change, you notice the zipper at the back of the neck of his amazingly realistic silicone "Male Beefcake Gladiator Power Training Jumpsuit" and are crushed with disappointment. What kind of douche would stoop that low just to LOOK like the cover of "Playgirl"? Hmm...

Not hitting close enough to home yet? Okay, let's say you're in the club on a girl's night out and you meet this amazing guy. (This is my last example, this is getting weird for me fast lol) He's funny, smooth, attractive...and also happens to have a large, mysterious bulge in the front of his pants. Curious about it and swayed by his charm, you end up back at one of your places ready for some one-on-one time. You both start to undress, you undo his belt and slide your hand down to see just how much extra meat came with your order...and get a handful of foam rubber...it's the "Mandingo Low-Swinger Crotch Pad for Men"! You find out the hard way (heh) that Mr. Amazing packed very light for this little sleepover...April Fools'! What a loser, what a creep, what an insecure little man, right? Mirror time!

I don't know...I just can't take it any more. I'm sick of it all...the magic "instant pin-up" girdles, the overstuffed bras that could double as kneepads for an amateur wrestler and can lift a pair of nipples from either side of one's belt buckle into their proper place somewhere between collarbone and solar plexus...it's just too much. The lies have to end. Besides, all the enhancement armor has to come off at some point, and I swear if I ever take some fine, curvacious woman home and her shape comes off with her clothes, I'm reporting her to the Better Bitches Bureau immediately. Listen, physical traits aren't everything. There's a lot to be said about personality...it just isn't as funny. We know very few women have "the perfect body"...but we damn sure know you can't buy it for 3 easy payments of $19.95. I feel y'all should too. We still cool though, right?

Love,

AJ