*fittedwearer's note: It was requested of me that I do a field guide on how to properly identify a hoodrat (hi Sheena!) and so...here it is!
The hoodrat (homo birdius) is a fascinating creature. It is commonly known as the "Chickenhead", among other regionally specific terms. Although closely resembling a human in many ways, the distiguishing factor is a completely different brain wave pattern, and thus behaviors and thought process, than our own species.
It is mostly found in urban areas throughout North America, and can be readily observed in its natural habitats, although some migrate to other areas after finding a mate. This makes life especially hard for those areas in which the hoodrat does not naturally live, as they are not accustomed to their strange and mysterious ways. In an effort to provide more knowledge about this understudied beast, I have compiled the following information.
Height/Weight: Hoodrats come in many vastly different shapes and sizes, varying by breed. A miniature Chickenhead can be as small as 5 feet, but a full grown Hoodrat can weigh up to 400 pounds and beyond in extreme cases. (Oddly, the larger cows often opt to wear clothing intended for much smaller females, or even intended for their young, in a bizarre attempt to attract males. This is just one example of the altered brain waves that make the difference between hoodrats and humans.)
Calls: Asmentioned before, Hoodrats resemble humans and can sometimes move amongst us undetected...until they open their mouths. Aside from their signature gum popping and piercing cackle, Hoodrats have a language all their own, which as far as my research indicates, is English's third cousin.
It is much faster, louder, and far more simplified than the language you're reading right now. To some ears, it is extremely annoying and may result in homicidal thoughts or the general urge to be vulgar. However, one must choose this path with great care. Any aggressive interaction will cause it to utilize a series of shrieks and squawks to draw attention to itself. This vocalization, called a "spaz", is known to drive humans to insanity, murder, and alternate lifestyles.
It is a rallying cry amongst the hoodrat, and is seen as a honorable method of conflict resolution. One grave mistake to make is underestimating a smaller Hoodrat's call. What it lacks in size it often makes up for in volume, which can cause a human being intense discomfort in a social situation...the hoodrat is impervious to this type of embarrassment, and will use its language to any benefit it sees until whatever percieved situation is resolved in its eyes.
You must determine whether you are prepared to face a Hoodrat's full wrath before any attempt to modify its behavior.
Coloring/Markings: Hoodrats come in a variety of colors. Although the most common example is brown, hoodrats also come in shades of tan, pink, olive, and yellow. Most Hoodrats, along with their naturally occurring brown, blonde or black hair, choose to adorn their heads with artificial crests known as "weaves".
These weaves come in a spectacular array of colors, including blue, orange, purple, electric mint green and neon white. (You heard me.)
Many Hoodrats also have identifying markers known as "tats". Although this phenomenon is not limited to the Hoodrat, as many normal humans (including the author) have them, Hoodrat tattoos are often done at special ceremonies known as "tattoo parties", and depict things such as dripping cherries, phrases like "baddest bitch" or "queen diva super freak", and the names of mate after mate after mate. A popular location for these tats is directly above the split in the buttock. When placed here, it is called a "tramp stamp" and makes good target practice. (lol)
Dress: The hoodrat employs many styles of dress, but the most clear identifiers are clothes which are overly ventilated, insufficiently decent, or just plain retarded. An example of the last is tights printed to look like jeans, with pockets and all.
The purpose of having a picture of a pocket on an item of clothing is known only to the Hoodrat.
Also popular are extremely shiny clothing, snug yet wrinkled shirts, and clothing that says "baby girl", despite the fact that it is, in a favorite hoodrat expression, "a grown ass woman."
Habitat: Hoodrats can predictably be seen all over the hood, and even in other areas. They can be spotted in Foot Lockers buying Jordans with an Access Card, in corner Chinese stores buying shimp fried rice to feed their infants, in beauty salons spending their rent money to get their hair styled, and even adorned in their finest clothing to walk up and down the street all day.
Hoodrats are also commonly seen in bars. This is a dangerous scenario, as alcohol consumption and interaction with Hoodrats often leads to risky behavior. A Hoodrat can be a carrier of many diseases harmful to humans, including one of the most crippling, "baby mama drama", which is incurable.
Mannerisms: The hoodrat has many signature movements which distinguish it from normal humans. They include carrying a handbag slung back over the shoulder in an upturned palm, a strange method of locomotion called the "stank walk", the overhead snap, and random dancing in highly inappropriate situations.
They also lay claim to one of the oddest motions in the animal kingdom, the "neck roll". This strange movement of the neck looks something like a fire hose turned on full blast and left to flail around on the ground, and is usually done as it is in mid-spaz.
Hoodrats usually travel in packs, and can be seen loudly screeching loud enough to be heard in the next zip code despite the fact that they're 12 fucking inches away from each other. (They are well noted for their lack of the "inside voice" possessed by humans.) When they're not quacking into their cell phones, they enjoy blasting poor quality audio from them in public areas. Any attempt to interrupt this behavior, even for one's own sanity, are taken as the gravest of insults by the Hoodrat, and will lead to a spaz.
Again, this may give the average human the urge to smack its face onto the back of its head, but be warned: the cops for some reason can't tell women and Hoodrats apart, and smacking bitches is illegal in 37 states, so proceed with extreme caution.
That's all the data I have for now, but I will continue my studies. Hopefully you, armed with this knowledge, can make your next interaction with a Hoodrat an informed one. For umf, I'm AJ...thank you, and good night.
The hoodrat (homo birdius) is a fascinating creature. It is commonly known as the "Chickenhead", among other regionally specific terms. Although closely resembling a human in many ways, the distiguishing factor is a completely different brain wave pattern, and thus behaviors and thought process, than our own species.
It is mostly found in urban areas throughout North America, and can be readily observed in its natural habitats, although some migrate to other areas after finding a mate. This makes life especially hard for those areas in which the hoodrat does not naturally live, as they are not accustomed to their strange and mysterious ways. In an effort to provide more knowledge about this understudied beast, I have compiled the following information.
Height/Weight: Hoodrats come in many vastly different shapes and sizes, varying by breed. A miniature Chickenhead can be as small as 5 feet, but a full grown Hoodrat can weigh up to 400 pounds and beyond in extreme cases. (Oddly, the larger cows often opt to wear clothing intended for much smaller females, or even intended for their young, in a bizarre attempt to attract males. This is just one example of the altered brain waves that make the difference between hoodrats and humans.)
Calls: Asmentioned before, Hoodrats resemble humans and can sometimes move amongst us undetected...until they open their mouths. Aside from their signature gum popping and piercing cackle, Hoodrats have a language all their own, which as far as my research indicates, is English's third cousin.
It is much faster, louder, and far more simplified than the language you're reading right now. To some ears, it is extremely annoying and may result in homicidal thoughts or the general urge to be vulgar. However, one must choose this path with great care. Any aggressive interaction will cause it to utilize a series of shrieks and squawks to draw attention to itself. This vocalization, called a "spaz", is known to drive humans to insanity, murder, and alternate lifestyles.
It is a rallying cry amongst the hoodrat, and is seen as a honorable method of conflict resolution. One grave mistake to make is underestimating a smaller Hoodrat's call. What it lacks in size it often makes up for in volume, which can cause a human being intense discomfort in a social situation...the hoodrat is impervious to this type of embarrassment, and will use its language to any benefit it sees until whatever percieved situation is resolved in its eyes.
You must determine whether you are prepared to face a Hoodrat's full wrath before any attempt to modify its behavior.
Coloring/Markings: Hoodrats come in a variety of colors. Although the most common example is brown, hoodrats also come in shades of tan, pink, olive, and yellow. Most Hoodrats, along with their naturally occurring brown, blonde or black hair, choose to adorn their heads with artificial crests known as "weaves".
These weaves come in a spectacular array of colors, including blue, orange, purple, electric mint green and neon white. (You heard me.)
Many Hoodrats also have identifying markers known as "tats". Although this phenomenon is not limited to the Hoodrat, as many normal humans (including the author) have them, Hoodrat tattoos are often done at special ceremonies known as "tattoo parties", and depict things such as dripping cherries, phrases like "baddest bitch" or "queen diva super freak", and the names of mate after mate after mate. A popular location for these tats is directly above the split in the buttock. When placed here, it is called a "tramp stamp" and makes good target practice. (lol)
Dress: The hoodrat employs many styles of dress, but the most clear identifiers are clothes which are overly ventilated, insufficiently decent, or just plain retarded. An example of the last is tights printed to look like jeans, with pockets and all.
The purpose of having a picture of a pocket on an item of clothing is known only to the Hoodrat.
Also popular are extremely shiny clothing, snug yet wrinkled shirts, and clothing that says "baby girl", despite the fact that it is, in a favorite hoodrat expression, "a grown ass woman."
Habitat: Hoodrats can predictably be seen all over the hood, and even in other areas. They can be spotted in Foot Lockers buying Jordans with an Access Card, in corner Chinese stores buying shimp fried rice to feed their infants, in beauty salons spending their rent money to get their hair styled, and even adorned in their finest clothing to walk up and down the street all day.
Hoodrats are also commonly seen in bars. This is a dangerous scenario, as alcohol consumption and interaction with Hoodrats often leads to risky behavior. A Hoodrat can be a carrier of many diseases harmful to humans, including one of the most crippling, "baby mama drama", which is incurable.
Mannerisms: The hoodrat has many signature movements which distinguish it from normal humans. They include carrying a handbag slung back over the shoulder in an upturned palm, a strange method of locomotion called the "stank walk", the overhead snap, and random dancing in highly inappropriate situations.
They also lay claim to one of the oddest motions in the animal kingdom, the "neck roll". This strange movement of the neck looks something like a fire hose turned on full blast and left to flail around on the ground, and is usually done as it is in mid-spaz.
Hoodrats usually travel in packs, and can be seen loudly screeching loud enough to be heard in the next zip code despite the fact that they're 12 fucking inches away from each other. (They are well noted for their lack of the "inside voice" possessed by humans.) When they're not quacking into their cell phones, they enjoy blasting poor quality audio from them in public areas. Any attempt to interrupt this behavior, even for one's own sanity, are taken as the gravest of insults by the Hoodrat, and will lead to a spaz.
Again, this may give the average human the urge to smack its face onto the back of its head, but be warned: the cops for some reason can't tell women and Hoodrats apart, and smacking bitches is illegal in 37 states, so proceed with extreme caution.
That's all the data I have for now, but I will continue my studies. Hopefully you, armed with this knowledge, can make your next interaction with a Hoodrat an informed one. For umf, I'm AJ...thank you, and good night.
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